i’m here now and soon i will be nowhere
“DEATH ,I prefer it to be à reasonable décision rather than à sad coïncidence”
it’s supposed that this blog when it was created , it has for purpose to share good creative idea , but this time i wish if i can write something different ,
i just wish if i can write the letter of my suicide ,( anyone who reading this don’t worry i will not die , i’m just too coward to take this decition i just wish if i was able to do)
i just wish if i were able to do my goodbye
I don’t want to explain anything , i don’t want to explain why ?
I wish if i could leave in silent , with few ideas in my mind , i was thinking about the man i love i want to tell him that i love him that he is the only man who make me dream about marriage despite i’m originally against the idea, i want to say to him that he hurt me so much and i don’t deserve that , i want to tell that i always kept trying to keep him with me but it never worked , and i absolutly know that he don’t fucking care about me . so i will keep silent and if i will be able to leave i will not even say goodbye.
when i think about my family mom dad and my two brothers they are the people that i love them the most in my lifetime , and a lot of things i never did just because of them because , because if i will do they will be hurt so i take the decision to deprive myself from my rights because of them .
if i have the possility to leave i would say to mom that i always loved her the most that i was always proud of our special relationship , that i want to keep it special , despite that with her fear in my latest days she ruined my life and she deprived me from my source of happiness.
if i have the chance to leave this world , i want to say to some people who think that they were advicing me that they mad my life even harder , that they broke up my privecy .
if i have the chance to leave this world , i would say to my friends especialy those of the astronomy club , my ex BF who became a friend and my childhood friends that they were the source of my happiness they helped me a lot and i used to jump of their arms every time that i had a problem.
Now i feel so sorry because such a letter will not be written just because i don’t have enough courage to do it , and actually i don’t have enough resources to get non painful death , so all things mentioned above will not be told , but if i get enough courage to decide to leave maybe i will write that letter or maybe i will choose the silence and leave quitly as i lived quitly and without a trace
how could we know that we are real ?
how would we be sure that we do exist ?
usually people ask about other stuff -do they exist ? such as god , hell heaven , angels , ghosts …. we never ask do we really exist ?
well such a question has never find an answer, we cannot trust our senses, our minds as well , we could be dreaming , we could be just the imagination of someone else . thousand of hypothesis can be suggested.
I know that it’s really hard to figure out what’s real and what’s not in this crazy screwed-up world we live in. actually what it’s the meaning of real .
I guess that the answer on that must be personal, no one can ever be sure either what he see or hear is real or not, a schizophrenic person is sure that he have voices in his head , who can assure that we are not all schizophrenic.
I think that we all live in worlds created in our heads , what’s real or not is just a matter of choice , I think that if you can feel it than it must be real just .
-” how do we know that we are real ? actually we don’t know and we can not know, maybe it is one of those things that in the end we just cannot prove