Monthly Archives: June 2012
Those are things happened in our childhood that stay in our minds forever.
Some of these things are nice other are just not that good .
When it come to bad souvenir some people get the opportunity to go over it and some other people are just locked in there past.
I think that there is also a third kind of person like me who are not totally stuck in there past but in the same time they didn’t totally walk over it. i’m just stuck in the middle .
I had lived a nice childhood pretty much quiet , and as any kids I have some bad souvenirs that i can’t jump them because they marked my life and pull me to take some decisions later.
I will tell a story that stayed in my head for a really long time it will seems personal to some people it will seems maybe sealy but it influenced me anyway .
A main character in this story is my cousin Yosor, in reality the whole story was going just in my head and practically she never was an active person in the story.
This look ridiculous somehow that a story was running on about someone and he don’t even know that he is a part of it.
Looking back to the time seeing the way that i used to think and deal with i feel like damn stupid.
So I always considered my cousin Yosor as the closest member of the family to me.We have the same age , and I get the opportunity to see her more than other family member, my dear Yosor is a special person , oh yeah even a very special one .
She have a nice character she is helpful , honorable , gentile , talk to everyone , smile to everyone especially in family reunion . Every body love her .
until now everything seems cool and great but the problem was in me because i want to be her . can you even believe that somebody wish was to be someone else !! yeaaah it was me i want to be some one else , and believe me when i say that is the most damn wish ever , it is so hard to not love yourself and to want to replace it with some one else personality.
The fact that we have the same age and we leave in almost the same social condition make people around us make comparison between us and i noticed that the result of that comparison is always the same , always people prefer Yosor over me in term of character , looking to that that result i start doing my own comparison in a trial to find out what is so special about her.
Regarding that I’m a scientific person since i was a kid i find that technically and objectively she is really better than me. Specially when it come to communication with family.
I’m not a sociable person and in most of time i don’t feel comfortable with the crowd in opposite of her anyway some other point she is good at them more then me like house keeping, religion….
This comparison make me fall for her personality and hate mine , i tried so hard and for really long time to be her .
Now I can laugh and say how stupid is to want to be someone else completely different than you .Just one thing in all this situation make me really surprised ,usually a girl in my situation doing this kind of comparison , the natural result is to be jealous of her , it was supposed that in this kind of situation that i hate Yosor not myself but this doesn’t happened to me , never once , not even a second I never hate Yosor or feel jealous of her and i was wondering why ? and after a while i find the answer , and it was so clear evident and simple i never hated yosor because she is a pure soul,she is spontaneous , she is just like that and i know that she didn’t even want to be like that , she don’t try to take advantage from the situation; she live the way she is as simple as that.
It took me so long time to realize this conclusion and that took me a lot of energy and of effort I can even remember once or twice I had got the same nightmare , in which mum wasn’t at home and i was in charge of every thing in the house I tried really hard to made every thing perfectly but in that dream my grandmother was asking my father about how good was I in the house works and he said fine but Yosor can do it better .
And I can’t describe my state , I was crying I couldn’t talk my lips was moving but i had no voice i couldn’t breathe , until i woke up in the reality and i find myself totally sweat and i barely can breathe . After that dream I convinced myself that what i was doing is not enough and i have to work better to get in a high level , now I realize that if all that effort I just put it in the right place I would be someone different with a bright present ,but unfortunatly it took me years and years to realize that what ever i do i will never be someone else and whatever i do i will not make people feel the same way to me like they do to someone else , it took me like forever to discover that i can be good in other things all i have to do is stop comparing myself to other and accept myself the way i’m .
now i realize that comparing yourself to someone else is just waste of time , is just waste of energy and it is disrespect for yourself .
Now I realize that the point is not to be perfect to other people because whatever you try you can never be , the point is to be perfect to yourself according to your own definition , the point is to know yourself to definit where you are what you want to do and how you will do it and go on that way.
I have changed a lot I find myself and i accept it now i know that i can develop without hate without anger step by step i can move on and pull myself to better level without destroying it .
There are no keys to the happiness or the truth, Since everything is relative, in fact I think the notion of truth is very absurd, since there is no absolute truth.
If we take the example of two persons attending the same event, but in opposite directions, everyone of them will tell us what he has seen , but their story is never the same despite it is always true for each of them.
So the truth is me , is what I witnessed and what I saw while keeping in mind that the other have also a true story.