Bad luck in love

I have decided since a while to not talk negatively about my feelings ,and about the experiment that i get, espécially love experiences , but some times you find that things are just imposed to you , and it’s not your choice to thing this way .

Well let me say that i’m a girl who have no chance in love , despite that i’m trying to be a very good person , but this doesn’t mean any thing , many bi**h are having good life there , I definitly know that luck and love are not things depending on your personality or something , not your beautiful smile , or special laugh , or tender sight will help you , at least that doesn’t work for me , every body love a lot of thing about me but when it come to lovers all of this doesn’t count and i don’t know why ? is it me the one who act badly , or is it just my bad luck ?

It’s supposed that i get used to the bad luck in love, why this time i believed that it could be different ?, why i allowed myself to dream ?, why i thought that could be possible for me ?

I’m so stupid because i believed that this time could be different and he could be a different man from all that i had known before , yeah he is a different man because he is so strong, so selfish , he love his life more than anything , he don’t have mercy and i should not tell him how i feel , because simply he don’t even care and i don’t mean any thing to him , why should i be ? if i do mean anything for him than he should be interested to know how i feel and to respect it . Also i know what he want. He want a happy girl who laugh with him and smile to him and don’t disturb his life , a one who don’t ask so much , a one who don’t change anything in his plan , he absolutely don’t need one girl who feel mesirable in love and who ask for so much attention.

 

Anyway this is simply a message for me, I’m not blaming anyone .
It’s just my fault because i believed that dreams are allowed for me and love is allowed for me , when apparently it’s not , i don’t know when exactly i will understand that message that life try to send it to me , I really tryed to stand up to feel different to controle my feeling to do exercices about how to think positively , well maybe i should try again , maybe i should not let this sad feeling controle me .
I don’t know , i should also be prepared to be dumped in every moment in my life because this is so me , i should be strong independent , and what ever love go good or bad i should just go one with my life maybe i can succeed at something else .

I hope people read this have better chance than I ❤

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<3 Doubt , Love and fear <3

I’m in love with someone , that i barely know informations about him , how could this even happen . Such a non healthy thing , I’m conscious that such a thing could be dangerous , because in any second i can discover that all of that is just a lie, it have been lied to me before and i’m so good  in  sticking myself in embarassing situation . Well let’s say that i’m ready to take all responsability for my did , and i’m awared that life is about choices and risk , and i made my  choice I will go forward  and see what will happen because the way that this person make me feel is just amazing , and i will not skip such feelings.

The amazing thing here , if I make a neutral look is how could someone as mysterious as he is , and so far away as he is could infect someone like me . I think that maybe we could study such a situation to make a closer look to the human nature , and that make me putting hypothesis :
– Do we really love each other or maybe we were trying to avoid an emptiness in our lives , i don’t think that lis is the case , my live wasn’t empty even if it was emotionally hard , and neither his and especially his , he is a great man he can get a girl closer to him.
– Is it our genes , well I liked his maybe but i don’t trust mine .
– Is it just real feeling could not be explainable ?
– Is it just a mix of all of that ?
I think that scientifically speaking it should be a mix of all of that with some others details , such that we both were looking for originality and creativity in other i and think that we both are original and creative

Well those are some reflections about the situation , but that’s not all , there is a lot of other questions , such his mystery , he don’t speak so much he never ask so much as well ,- how could he be interested in someone and he don’t ask about every detail in that person life -, maybe he is new kind of guys that i never meet before and this is exactly why i fall for him , maybe he is not the kind of demanding so much , maybe he just want to enjoy the moment and that’s enough for him he don’t care about the past neither the futur . Well if this is the case it’s complete new perspective of seeing thing for me and i should learn how to see life from that angle , i guess that would be much more confortable and funny 😀

Or maybe he don’t ask too much because he just believe in the action  of time , maybe he take things slowly and he think there is nothing could be hidden forever and if there is something that he should know it will appear soon or later

The whole situation and the way he act give me all new perspective about myself also , now i could see things on me that i never saw before . For example i discovered that i’m a hasty person , and that is so bad .how i conclude to that well we don’t know each other since a long time to give myself the right to require to know all these details about him , beside , after all both of us we don’t have yet a real complete view of the thing .How can i be such stupid and in rush girl . This is also new thing that i learn about me is  i’m not realistic , and i ask too much and i’m a pressing person , now i may have new reason to understand why i failed before .
It’s good to learn things about myself , i think that this is a progress because to know my faults give me the possibility to correct them and to start over ,

I should to say that in the beginning when i started writing this i was full of anger , anxiety , sadness and fear , I just want to write to get some relief , because all what i was thinking about is negativity , is lies and the possibility of being dumped again , but after thinking , i find that why i blame anyone if already  the fault is my bad perspective .

I think now after writing this , that what i  was thinking about it wrong , because all my concentration was about how not to get so emotionally involved so i don’t be hurt a lot when things turn bad , i’m trying to protect myself all the time and now i think that’s completely wrong , why i’m afraid , what i’m trying to protect of ? pain , rejection ,.. well  these feelings are part of life and they help us to grow .
Once my coach in driving told me :” you are living your life wrong and this is why you are not moving forward dispite that you have potential , you act like living to not to die , and this is wrong this just deprive you from being alive because what ever you try death is just a law of nature and it will happen any way , he told me also  , it’s the something for mistakes , failure , and pain what ever you do to prevent them they will happen so girl go for your life , be happy , do your best and be alive . “

I didn’t understood what he says , when he said it but i do now , i do understand that thinking about bad possibility in my relationship or in my life in general will not prevent them to happen it will only make me sad and prevent me from the joy of the moment , beside of that our lives is a translation of our thoughts , and maybe before i get so much pain because i was thinking about it all the

time , now i decided to be happy to think positively , to enjoy every thing in my life and in my relation , I will do my best to make it happen to make it especial , and let what it’s meant to be to be .

Control

I feel disappointed and sad , it’s hard to program yourself on something and it doesn’t happen but the good news is now I know what’s wrong and why i walk away so depressed when my relations ends , simply because i addict persons so easily , I give so much interest and I give my all quickly , so i figure out that if i feel hurt so in most of case this is my falt , i should know how to moderate and how to controle my feelings .
I think that life is about control of every things , and when we lose control we lose everything.

Fast happiness feelings , invade me

Every day after you go to sleep i read again our conversation over and over again ,
and every time i read your word dream of me, i smile and i say ,there is no need to dream about you, your face is already with me wherever i go , your smile illuminate my days and nights
What i’m feeling now is very beautiful , by a way that i can’t believe that it’s real , and i’m wondering is it really real ?
and with all this happyness that i don’t know where it come from , i’m afraid , and i even panic because happiness that come too fast go too fast .
Do I let my feelings pull me so far and so fast? how the distance will influence us ? Are those feelings real or they just come from the emptiness that we lived in the last period ?
I don’t have any idea , all what i can say is that i’m happy to have you now , and i will enjoy this happiness and i will try to keep it

Invaded by feelings and questions

I want to write , My head is full of ideas , and my heart is full of feelings
but what can blow them out ,I’m happy excited , a little confused and afraid ,all at once .
Maybe i got so much feeling dose for just one day .
i’m just wondering if i can find word to describe what i feel , I don’t want to let this happyness take my mind away , I don’t want to sink in dreams than it end up like a nightmare , in the same time i can’t deny all those feelings which invade me .
Thousand of questions creep in my head , is that true ? is that real ? is that good ? i’m i too in rush ? is it the good decision ?
I can’t answer that in this moments , we will see what’s days will bring to us , I don’t want to think negatively , I want to convince me that what was past is just past , and if i failed before that doesn’t mean that it will be the same this time, already the feeling and condition are different .and i will live the experience , and i will be happy and i will enjoy every moment , no one can know what will happen next so the right thing to do now is to be honest and to live our lives correctly , with all the happyness possible to get ,
What i know now that he look awsome and i feel happy so let’s enjoy it