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Monthly Archives: August 2015

Clarification

sometimes i write bad things about my family and friends anyone read me may think that i’m oppressed or living in bad conditions, the reality is that i’m not.
Actually i can’t deny that i have got a difficult relations in my childhood and my teenage, but now every thing seems to be alright. I became a friend with my mother , and she love me not like in the past she try to accept me the way i’m despite that we don’t have the same religious point of view.
But it still on me the trace of the past, and all what i have been through, sometimes i can’t forget and i can’t pass over it

I’m running out of friends

i feel that i’m running out of friends, maybe it’s not fair for my friend so make such declaration , but this is how i do feel anyway, i’m trying to understand why i have this feeling so i will start from the beginning. since a long time ago when i was a child i used to locked into myself I never used to express anything and this is because mainly i was thinking that i’m bad and that every time i speak i hurt someone,download
this idea come from the fact that my mother was so sensitive person and everytime i express my opinion or i criticise her or something she do she consider this as disrespect and she express that “i’m not well educated” and “i’m not respectful person” and “i don’t know what how to express” and “i do hurt people”.And since i already have a problem with my mother feeling about me ,and i was thinking that she don’t love me already so i didn’t want to make it even worst by talking.
And that didn’t stop there, it was so difficult to me to love myself or to think that i’m a good person or that i deserve any thing good i had past some nights just praying to god to take me away , i was wishing for death and the next day when i wake up and i find that i still alive i feel even worst because i think that even god don’t love me and he thik that i’m too bad even for death..

I guess that my old friend depression start with me from that time.
Anyway I’m remembering this because by that time i had no friends at all and i didn’t feel that anybody care about me – i used to feel special in my grand father house but since i get ten years old a lot of things had changed so i didn’t feel it since that time ( this is an other subject and an other sad memory that make my old friend ‘depression’ stuck with me)-.
I used to write things that i thought about as a compensation of my lack of communication.
and after few years i start getting some friends ( happy me ) and i loved them so much. and i can say that i even became dependent to them ( and here started my miserable story).
First it was my friend Hela than she get married and i have lost her., than it was Asma and the same thing happened with her, than i get into the astronomy club and i find rafik and i start feel like he is my source of strength and my source of inspiration than he go to study in a foreign country, than no one could replace him and i started an non healthy relation to someone that i wasn’t really loving him but i was dependent to him i was looking at him as my saver and now i see that it was my falt i was sick and dependent girl ,in the midle of all of this i used to share my thoughts and feeling on social media i was thinking that i get more friends and that finally i ged over my problems and i start sharing things on facebook.

But i faced the same problem again and i was rejected again, and my friends and family on facebook started to complain again about my behavior and started to complain that i publish so many things about my feeling and my life , and felt sad because when i was publishing i thought that i share something special with some special people , but i was deceived again.

after that i decided not to be dependent to anybody and i start publishing on the blog because i’m pretty sure that no one know me is reading this even if when i ask from them to read they do it once and they don’t read every thing,
This is pretty a good solution, now i have a lot of friends I have ZIED; HAJER,RamY , Firas and my other friends of the club, but i’m not sharing everything with them actually it’s my decision. I can say that comparing with the last year i’m getting less depression crises, but i still have them from time to time and i try not to show it to any body , i feel lost sometimes but i stopped asking for help , it’s good not to share again because despite all of their good intention they don’t understand me.
They are trying and i ove them so so much and i think that they love me too but there is a gap i don’t know exactly where it come from exactly but it’s there , and this is why i said in the beginning that it’s not fair to them to say that i’m running out of friend because they are trying but the problem is on me.

maybe because i have already lost a lot of friend and i felt kind of that they let me down this is why i expect from my actual friends will leave me too, so maybe my brain is creating this illusion of the gap to not to get involved so much with my actual friend as sort of protection for me.
Maybe also because i’m seeing things – that i loved so much and i believed on them-falling apart like the astronomy club and the association. So i feel that i will not find a place like the club, and i’m losing things that i love including my friends.
I don’t know what it’s exactly but this feeling is pretty much ugly.

SO WHAT’S NEXT ???

well i don’t know if i should ask this or i just should figure it out by myself.
I actually feel lost without a real or clear goal and i don’t know what’s my next step i don’t know what i should do with my life , since i graduated basically and i’m living in this situation i used to distract myself with secondary activity like the activity in the club i mean it’s something really great and it helped me a lot to move forward, to discover myself to be stronger to get more confidence and some other great things one of them that i had known really great persons and i have past with them the happiest moments of my life ever.
Well all of this is perfect and great but what’s next ? what i want to do what i have to do , i don’t know how or what exactly to choose i used to ask this question so much but all what i’m doing is asking without doing anything , i guess that its time for me to move onto think about something serious and to work for it.
Well one other problem that i used to ask help from other people for a lot of thing, and usually i don’t think that it’s a problem but in some cases i had become dependent to those people , so since a while i have decided not to ask for help anymore and to do things by my own but i can see now that i’m not going anywhere. so my question is should i now ask for help to determine my next goal ? or i should find it by myself ? also who can i ask ? is there anyone really qualified for this job ?

Sometimes i feel that those things are personal and if i can’t determine by my own so no one could help , some other time I think that after all the person who will help will not decide for me he just will push my fat lazy big brain a little.

maybe there is specialist for this but as usual i need some money 🙂 maybe the next step should be that i should earn more money , who knows 🙂

certainly not me

state for each type

when i was a kid i used to watch Spacetoon , which is a tv for kids.
today i have remebered that they classify anim by there type and there is a lot of planets , one planet for each type : so we find “Zoumourouda “for the girly planet , there is action for the action anim , and so on .Today i was wondering what if we just use the same classification for us human , what would life look like if we divide nation not according to there geological or historical attachement but by there preference.
what if we make state for athéist , for religious , for scientists, for painters, for musiciens, also we can even make it more specific , atheist devided into non religious , agnostic agnostic theist … religious devided into , muslims , jewish, chritian , bouddhist and so one we can also divide those into sub-state if we take muslim for example we can put the state for easy muslims, for hard muslims , for those who don’t accept that you critic islam despite that they don’t obey any order in islam and so on and so on.
but we make all those division with the strict orders to obey by every one o one try to convience other to come with them , if a citizen of one state want to go to the other state it should prove that he have the necessar ability to understand and to accept others. a citizen can get the membership of two or more state if he pove that he can be mumber of too of them so you can be a scientist and an artist at once.

I just wonder what would life look like , will we avoid war , or it will stay the same things and people will making war for places, for resources ,for ideas for almost everything, without interaction with those who are different than us will we stay human? how our humanity could be touch by this ? is the solution on division or in reunion , but why reunion look so difficult ? but as i can imagine division will not solve the problem too , so what would we do ?

Arecibo_message

On 16 November 1974.human tried to send a message to space more accurately to the globular cluster nebula M13 in Hercules constellation. The message was called the ARECIBO-Message because it was sent on the ceremony to mark the remodeling of the Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico
The message consists of seven parts that encode the following (from the top down):[4]

The numbers one (1) to ten (10) (white)
The atomic numbers of the elements hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and phosphorus, which make up deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) (purple)
The formulas for the sugars and bases in the nucleotides of DNA (green)
The number of nucleotides in DNA, and a graphic of the double helix structure of DNA (white & blue)
A graphic figure of a human, the dimension (physical height) of an average man, and the human population of Earth (red, white, & blue, respectively)
A graphic of the Solar System indicating which of the planets the message is coming from (yellow)
A graphic of the Arecibo radio telescope and the dimension (the physical diameter) of the transmitting antenna dish (purple, white, & blue)
Because it will take 25,000 years for the message to reach its intended destination (and an additional 25,000 years for any reply), the Arecibo message was more a demonstration of human technological achievement than a real attempt to enter into a conversation with extraterrestrials. In fact, the core of M13, to which the message was aimed, will no longer be in that location when the message arrives.[1] However, as the proper motion of M13 is small, the message will still arrive near the center of the cluster.[5] According to the Cornell News press release of November 12, 1999, the real purpose of the message was not to make contact but to demonstrate the capabilities of newly installed equipment.[1] ( WIKIPEDIA)
I think that sending all those informations maybe wast of time and energy, it was a sort that scientist search for there ego they looking to geek aliens, they looking for some creater on the image of scientist, even commun human can’t understand those information how it’s supposed that alien do ?
Scientist suppose that they will find aliens like them , clever brilliant and like the complicated informations, but it would be much more easier and even reliable if they just sent Hello word with all languages.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arecibo_message#/media/File:Arecibo_message.svg

Secret of life

life is so random, but inside all of this randomness there is something that make sense which is hope.
Hope is the only thing that make sense at least for us human, no matter how bad it look how disordonate that seems and how random and non comprehensible things they are , it still there hope and i think that it’s the only thing that make us a life it’s the thing that make us wake up in the morning and believe in tomorrow maybe hope is the secret of life itself