you know what Growing up lives could be really hard .
It’s all about making choices and being strong enough to accept and digest things that you don’t even like , not even a little .
Like my job , i feel tired exhausted fed up and suffocated , because of this job .
but i know that as a growing up responsible for all his choices and actions , I should not complain and i should shut my mouth up – but i really feel bad – i’m trying to relax , but i just can’t . And things get more and more worst. I know that writing about this will not help me .I know that no one could help and that there is no solution for that except of my own decision , i might make choice and commit with it . So that must be like this : or i quit or i stay working until the end of the year .
Since i had mad my choice to stay working i should accept it and stop complaining —but i’m suffocated – i’m pushing myself so hard , i’m just writing this in a miserable try to feel a little better .
Sometimes i’m wondering in cases like this how could we make it ? how could we fake it , how could we apply all those quote who says ” love what you do until you do what you love ” , or “fake it until you make it ” ?
how just be that strong ??
Monthly Archives: November 2014
you know what Growing up lives could be really hard .
few days ago i was thinking about evolution and about thinking of human as a part of the alimentation chain and a part in a big ecosystem is much more important than raising children on the idea that human are superior specie.
This kind of thinking is usually spread more with religion , but i thought that even back to the time that i were religious , i never thought that i’m superior than other creature and that was because the way that i was raised , actually i won the love of nature from my grandfather , and he was the one to taught me how to feel nature and how to be a part of it , he used to love animal and plant so much ,
he used to love the earth . and inherited that from him .
every afternoon , he used to irrigate the plants in the garden , we had a Jasmin tree , and every evening he made me a collar from Jasmin and he made a bunch for him in Tunisia we call that special bunch ” machmouch” as the one in the picture below.
sometimes i want to take a leaf from the tree without a reason , so he: ” tell me do you want if someone come and snatch your hair ? ”
I answer that absolutely not
So he says : ” so why do you want to do to the tree something that you don’t want it to happen to you ? it’s not because it can’t speak and it can’t defend itself , that doesn’t give you the right to torture it , it can feel . so don’t harm it ”
This is how i learned to respect nature , this is how i never felt that other creatures are lower than me .
and this is how i remember my grandfather as a wise man , good man , respectful man , he may don’t have all those philosophical ideas about life , the univers and us.
He was simple man with a heart , living his full humanity.
and probably he is not the only one , probably all our grandfathers who lived in contact with nature , have this natural respect and love to it , something that we , the people of technological development have lost .
I hope that one day we could return to our origine , to mother nature.
To be in contact with it more and to respect it more.
when i was a teenager , i used to be lonely , and i was perfectly dealing with that ,
actually i used to be disconnected from my reality and the whole society around me ,
in the same time i used to have a strong imagination and a strong energy coming from inside , i used to dream my eyes open, when i feel alone i used to close my eyes , to take a very deep breath and to send all my inner energy out to the universe and with my exhalation of air i send a strong message to someone that i don’t know , i just sprayed this energy to the universe saying i love you and i know that there is some one that i’m not physically connected to him and maybe that i will never meet and he could be in the other side of the world but i know that he love me back .
now i know that that was just a teenage dreams , and some kind of illusion , in the same time i miss that strength , that energy and that hope to love and to be loved , that feeling of connection to unseeing force .
When i started doing astronomy i used to feel other kind of connection to the universe , i used to feel a part of something bigger than what we see i used to think about energy frequency and vibration , but now i just lost this connection too .
right now i’m disconected form evry thing , and i miss those beautiful feelings and inspiration , i’m just empty .
I’m not depressed but i don’t feel useful too, that make me feel but and painful , and when i say painful i do mean it literally , because i’m whimpering .
I’m not depressed but i think of ending up my life.
I will give myself a chance until the end of the year i will pass through some exams but if i fail on them i will prefer to die , because i’m tired to be average , i’m tired of trying so hard but in the end i find that i’m not good enough.
since a was a kid i used to try hard to be someone religiously , technically , physically good but all my trials go by wind , and i’m not good enough .
I feel bad , i feel guilty ,and useless.
I can’t see a way to realise my dreams , so i feel empty from inside .
I don’t want to ask for help anymore , because no one could.
I decide that from now on , i will be closed to myself , i will not share what i feel or what i think about to people around me , and if i’m publishing this on the net that because i’m certain that no one know me is reading on this blog and this is just perfect .
I just feel empty
and i deserve to die