Final wish

have you ever thought if you are dying now what would be your final wish ?
what would be your final word ? what would be your final recommendation ?
recently i had some health problem (after taking some wrong medicines) , and one night i felt afraid , because i felt that i’m going to die , I wasn’t afraid of death itself but i was afraid that my health condition get worst , and i would feel so much pain .This is what i was afraid of , because death for me is just an event i can’t predict what it gonna happen after it but in all cases i’m not afraid of it .
Anyway In that specific moment , that i thought that i may die while i’m sleeping, i thought i’m not a wealthy person and i don’t have money to leave for my beloved ones and family ,but even if i have some , i don’t think that this is something important to talk about , in my last word .
Than i figure out that , people like me would never let a trace behind them , i didn’t anything remarkable in my life to talk about and i don’t have nothing to leave for my family and my friends ( and there is no need to talk about a larger scale like my country or even humanity ).
than i thought what is the thing that i loved the most during my lifetime ??
And i find the answer it was science .
and since that i don’t have anything to offer to science progression , after my death , i would like to offer my body to science , it’s the only thing that i can offer .
So i decided to write a word .my last recommendation would be the following :
“”I certify and i confirm that i’m writing this willfully , after my death i would like to offer my body to science and to humanity , so i’m an organ donor, and i certify that my dead body can be also used in medical experiment. “



i feel tired exhausted and i barely can breath ,
it has been a year now , since a year i had a big issue in my life and i felt useless .
I have tried to chage it but i guess that maybe i didn’t went through the good path because here i’m after a year and i feel exactly the same , useless.
I used to talk to my friends and family and i used to feel better , but i don’t feel the same now i don’t want to share how i feel with them because this is useless , and they can’t help .
I’m an average person in every things and it seems that average it’s never good enough , and average can’t live in our era.
So maybe the solution that i have think about is the good one i’m not sure , but maybe person like me who want to do a lot of things but in the same time they don’t work enough for it or they can’t be good enough for it should not live .
maybe people like me who have average QI , limited work capacity , and they are not even able to make someone love them , should not live.
Maybe people who are not beautiful enough , who are not clever enough , who are not good enough should not live , but after all what is this enough ??
how can we get this enough , who can put the level of this enough is it us , is it society ? is it the babilon system ?

I can’t tell , but i only don’t feel good enough …


Almost a year ago i was alone , i was sad i was empty and i wanted to die , and i tried it .
To be honest that was a good feeling waiting to death , i passed a weekend thinking that i was poisoned and my end will come soon , by that time i had few books that i was thinking that it will be a lost that i didn’t read them before i go .
My plan didn’t work and i didn’t die , i have to be honest that things since that time get much more better , but since a week now the same emptiness come back inside me the same sadness , and my want of death return strongly , i’m actually missing the feeling of decide to die and wait for death . there is no reason in my actual life that push me to think about death and i have no problem i just miss the feeling , and i just feel empty again , and just one idea controle over my head which is : this is one more winter, that i will be alone tired and cold again , and i think that the more things change the more they stay the same .
i just feel so empty .

virtual empathy

I have à facebook account since à few years now ,
In thé beginning i was using it by moderation , my family and relative used to warning me of spreading my life on the net, just to avoid being followed by some kind of pervert and psycho people . ( well i have to say that in some point they have reason ) but anyway thing get out of control, and i become addicted to it.
for a few past years i used to share every thing i think about or i feel it ori live it as a new experience , i have to say that for a few past years i used to find people interested on what i write and who share my feeling and concern, and also i win some new friends .
But about a year past a new kind of relation and of comments start to show up on my profile , i have noticed that my friends and relative start to be bored by my stories , and they starts complaining about it , so i have decided to stop write anything have a relation with my own life except of pictures , i just keep sharing pictures and that seems that it doesn’t bother anybody .
Well , i know that some people will say it’s not supposed that i be influenced by people around me , facebook is a way to make people conected and who help people to express themselves , so if there is someone who blame me for expressing myself this is him who didn’t get the first use of facebook. Well this is a point of view also and it may be correct .
But , this is what i want to talk about but lately maybe two days ago , i have broke my own rule and i had express about my mental state , because i really felt upset, and really not good, so i thought maybe with a little empathy from my friends i can feel better .
But i really was shocked because , contrary to what i thought iu just find two persons who asked just a courtesy questions , and again i get some complaining persons who says that i’m making a drama , i swear that it wasn’t i just write that i feel uncomfortable.
i felt shocked because in the beginning when i decided to stop expressing myself i thought that maybe it was my fault and i was exaggerating, but now i’m thinking about something different , i’m thinking about empathy , does this lack of virtual empathy reflect the reality ? edo we became people with less empathy ? if this is true so i guess that tha would be dangerous because just by comparing how much the rate of empathy have decreased in a record time. that make me think what is the society that we gone build ?
just in order to say positive i say maybe this is not an objective observation and i hope to see other examples which prove to me that this is just an isolated case in my life , and it’s only people in my life who doesn’t care and it’s not a general issue 🙂