Do you know

Do anybody know how hard, it’s:
When someone fights against the wave of depression, while he tries to look strong
He tries to look energetic and energizer
He tries to look at his best state and to perform in a very good way
But deep inside, he is frozen, he is afraid, he feels darkness
He feels all his muscle spasm, all his nerves too.
He wants to hit him
He wants to scream
He wants to punish himself for how bad he fell, and how bad he think he is.

I think that a lot of you don’t know that.
And he never tells

He will not tell, he don’t need empathy
He doesn’t need to feel pathetic
He doesn’t want to feel more useless than he feels now
He knows, your sympathy will not solve his problem, will not stop his breathing difficult
Will not stop his anger toward himself
Will not stop the wave of frost invading his bones.
Nobody knows.
And he need to stay strong.


The moment when you lose self-confidence

That moment when you lose your confidence about something that you love.
For me those moment are really hard and I cannot know how to overcome them sometimes.
Those moments start when you discover how bad you are about something you used to think that you made an achievement on it.

Like my case in English, and here is the story.
Maybe some of you are sharing the same feeling with me.
When we started learning English in the Middle School, I wasn’t good at it, well, I had good marks, but I can’t speak it (because us you know it’s not enough to have a good mark on something, that does not prove that you really understand it, especially with our education system based on memorization).

The basic cause that made me bad at it, is that I could not accept the culture of this language. And this was not my own opinion, but I was influenced by my mothers’ stand against America and foreign culture in general.She believes so much in Arabic, and that the Arab language is the best basing on her religious conviction that Islam is the right religion and all people who goes to heaven will speak Arabic.

Anyway, I passed a long period in my life on this opinion and I did not try to discover those foreign cultures. Until one day I was with my cousins and they were talking about foreign TV programs and songs, I couldn’t understand what they are talking about, and I felt so ignorant. from there I decided to learn more and work more to improve my level in languages basically fresh and English, and I start a little Italian too.

Well, I have to be honest, I still have a lot of problems with french because I couldn’t like their culture so I couldn’t improve in the language.
But the story is different with English I started following American films, TV show, read articles and listen to music, I liked the American living style, and I even dreamed about moving on there (unfortunately I never get the chance to visit America).

I improved and I was proud because I did not win this skill from school, but I worked on it by myself.
But a little time ago, I discovered how much wrong, I‘m concerned my English level.
I discovered that I do enormous mistake, especially on grammar and spelling and that my vocabulary still weak.
Since that time and I feel bad also not confident, and I remark that I even start avoiding to answer some questions about the meaning of some world, and start to doubt everything, every English word I use or I write.

This feeling is really destructive, I know that the solution is in the hard work I have to work more to improve more, getting depressed about such a situation will not solve it, it will make it worst.

But it’s really sad, and overwhelming feeling, hard to overcome.
Anyway, I will not quit, and I will try harder no matter how bad I feel.


The Tunisian situation and the terrorisim

Few years after the revolution, nothing on the Tunisien situation has improved.

After every thing we had lived, and after some terroristic attacks the governement tried to convince everybody that the terrorisme is the cause of our actual situation. But now after six successive government, who has reigned since 2011. I see the following:

Yes terrorism do exist all over the world , it’s dangerous it destroy countries, but in our case I don’t think that terrorisme is the only cause for our situation-Well the actual situation look like this:
No one is happy or let’s say the majority are , we become a depressed people(the suicide rate has remarkably increased, we have even more than 12 child suicides in 2015 because their bad financial situation) , the situation is getting hard day after day, especially the financial situation.-
All of this could not be only the direct effect of terrorisme, but there is some thing else that I call “the neurosis of a narcissistic person” -this is not a specific medical terme – but here how I do imagine the situation:

We used to recognise ourselves as the tolerant hospitable Tunisien people, we are recognised by our open mind to other culture and other people.
We are well educated, and we are a country with a good care system.

Well year after year after the 2011, this image is changing more and more. We are opening our eyes on a different reality , our own different reality .
We are reacting like a narcissus person who wake up one day and look in the mirror and instead of his beautiful face he saw a distorted face , in reality it’s his, but he can’t recognise it. So he become hysterical and he get neurosis.
We are acting the same way. we are discovering our other face the image that it’s so far from the beautiful face that we used to know.
Now we are discovering how deep is corruption implanted in every inch in the tunisian governement, and in the country in general, now we are discovering the loopholes in our care system , in our educational system and so on.

Now we are discovering that we have racism in our society and we are not that cool with other identity.
deep down we can not face this reality so we are rejecting it, we try to decorate it, to find a temporary and immediate solution for everything, we don’t have a clear vision for what we want and where we are going.
We don’t have a leader who have a project for this country, we still dabbling here and there .
Maybe this is logical, and it’s what it’s supposed to be after 50 years of suppression, maybe we are so in rush and we want everything to stabilize quickly, but we should wait until we became more mature.
I think that yes we have to wait, because in all this splashing, and mixture and fog, we have some young people who work for Tunisia, for better future, for the progression of the country.
There are a lot of youngs who are doing a lot of amazing Initiatives.

I can even say that i’m one of them, I’m one of those who work for the best of the country ,I have this hope to see my country a better place, to see Tunisia as I have aways recognise it, the beautiful , Tunisia , with the jasmin on the top of her ear who wearing white and who open her arms for everybody in love and peace.

Citizen journalism programme

I want to write about a subject that  I ‘m confused about and I don’t feel so comfortable to write about it, but anyway I will do it.

Two months ago or maybe more, I found  an announcement on the internet about an academy which has an online program about citizen journalism. I applied for it without even searching for the background of the academy because I wasn’t sure that they will take me.
But while I was doing the inscription, I came across questions like : “do you accept to read something writen by an Israeli person?” I have investigated a little bit and I found that the academy is a multinational, was build for the goal of supporting peace in the world and in the Middle east.
Personally building peace, is one of my dreams. I consider myself  a human and a cosmic citizen.I wish if humanity can reach peace.

So, i said why not ?! and i continued in the whole thing.
Now after a month , I got used to the program, I started loving what I’m learning and the new people that I have meet .
So far, i find two special Tunisian bloggers, with whom I start to exchange ideas and discussions. I really like that, the girl is a talented designer (you can visit her blog here
The man is a book addicted, so far he  advised me to read some book that I wasn’t disappointed to discover them.

But in the middle of all this good thing, the core of the story is not clear, well how is that, I start thinking about it after that one comment of one participant was banned.

I have to say that the comment was a little bit agressive towards the organisers of the program, but she was expressing her point of view. She thinks that Israeli are killers and are not supporting peace.
I did not react to that I did not defend her or defend the coordinator of the program, but my new friends ( the man whom I talked about) posted the comment and an explanation of the situation on his FB profile.
Many comments followed and a lot of people accused us ( the program’ s participants) by the normalisation with the enemy and we were accused of betrayal.

Well, I have responded to the post; I will resume my point of view in the following:

“I’m not a supporter of Israel or for any one who supports war, whether people or goverment.
But Israel do exist, we like it or not, it will not change the actual situation .I see also that the politics followed by “the Arabs ” which is ignoring Israel and acting like they don’t recognize it, does not leading anywhere. So, I think we should try the other side, instead of turning our backs to it, let’s face it , let’s face the actual situation let’s understand,  how they act, what they want, how they live. By doing so, we can find the weak points of any system, not by ignoring it. On the other hand, I personally believe that not all Israelis are bad people;  some of them were just raised there. That was not up to then to choose,  also some of them are against war and against what their government do, why we don’t build bridges with those people and together try to find a solution.

I think that more than the half of this conflict, is due to a inherited hate from both side, if we only could overcome this, and we could install the mentality of love and co-existance than we can build of that piece of land the peace land.
That piece of land that some people call Palestine , while others call it Israel, but for me it’s the land of prophets, it’s a land where the half of the history of knowing humanity walked there. That piece of land should not be a land of war;  it rather should be the Lighthouse of peace.

Well this is only my opining. I do agree that the reality is so much far from that.

After that discussion, my friends had decided to not continue the program.As for me,
I am still confused about it, as I said I liked it and I see that it’s an opportunity to try another way of thinking that can lead to peace.
But there is something , a little prick twinge in my heart.
I don’t know what to do:  should I stop? Sometimes, I think  after all it’s just an online program that will not change much and I will not tell anybody about it. Some other times, I say maybe I’m wrong and it’s only a ideological program.
I tried to investigate a little more, but all I have got was even more confusing. The palestinians themselves are not on the same wavelength. They have different opinions; they act differently. For example? the leader Yesser Arafet ( peace on his soul), who was always considered as a representative of the palestinian cause accepted to negotiate but Hamas, on the other hand prefer not to do so.

In the middle of this dilemma , I decided to do what I see as right according to the actual situation, I decided to continue the program for now, hoping that my decision will be right. I hope I will  make my opinion on peace reach out to all those who are interested in peace- building. Out of belief that every change needs action.

Amazing changes could happen

As a person i have know drastic changes in my live.
I’m  a girl from Tunisa , i’m not the same person before 2011 and after it.
Before 2011 I was a young shy girl isolated, living according to the typical oriental conservative family rules. I always had done what I’m suposed to do, and acted the way the family and society suppose that a good girl should act. I have graduated  and what it was supposed to be next is do is to find a job, than a husband, and give birth to some children and looking for them and live happily and than die.
Well this is what already I tried to do

So I found a job- it wasn’t a perfect one but it was a job anyway with a very low salary but that does not matter. what it was essential is not staying jobless.-

So i started to get stable at work than I launched the procedure of looking for a husband. ( HAHA-a funny task) I discovered that was greatly hard  .
Why is that, well because in my country it became more and more hard to find a serious guy who want a serious relationship.
If you want to start your life with a young man in your age -well that seems to be particulary hard -a man in his first twenty years is generaly not financially stable.So he could not build a family. An older guy in his thirty maybe, look always for a girl who was raised in a good family ( conservative one), better religious girl with no ex-relation, a girl well educated with a good job and especially especially beautiful one. and it would be better if she have no personality and she do what he says ( well maybe i’m exaggerating a little bit, but definetly that do exist the way I have describe it). And since all of this is not my case , i don’t have a very knowing family , i’m not beautiful neither rich or even with no personality so i can’t be with someone like described above.
well there are a lot of other types of man beside some rare great men that I can not clasify but generaly those are the most popular category around.
But finally after a while ,I undrestood that going the old way and doing what I’m told to do or what I’m supposed to do according society will not lead me anywhere . So I start to think differently, I decided to look for what I want to do , what used to bring me happines,

and I started to ask myself but what I realy want?
I never worked before for something that I want .
I never expressed myself the way I want to…

Than I start to remember, my old pations , my for love science, my love for art, books and good music , my wish of travel around the world, to discover it, to build peace and to work for the good of humanity.
why deprive myself from all of following a path that is not mine, just to plesure other people?
Than I started to look for a scientific association to re-build my connection to science. I come back to drawing, readings books , and started looking for friends who can help me grow as a person and since then a new chapter opened on my life book.
What I want to say by this experience is: being ourselves is the most important thing that will bring us happiness.
we did not born with a users manual in the hand so don’t let other tell us what to do