what if i die

what if i die ? , why people don’t want to talk about death ?  they are afraid of something that look so evident to me , i guess that death is the origin , the non existence is the reality , life is the fraud , and this is why we could not explain it until now .

So let me imagining the image of my death how it would look like ? what will happen ? ,I guess nothing important will happen. after all i’m unknown person , i may look important for some people but after all they will get used to my absence . Actually i think that i’m already absent , that my existence and my disappearing is just the same. I’m absent because i’m an indifferent ,  selfish person  , i’m enclosed in my own world my own problems that in most of case are fake problems  . anyway , first at all , if i die without any previous alarm such an illness everybody will get shocked.

my mother will cry she may bat to her knee and slap her face , maybe she will not be able to stand or maybe she will be much more stronger than what i imagine and she may keep silent with her eyes full of tear fixed on the roof or in the unknown . she will be so sad and she will think that i will be punished in hell because i’m not muslim anymore.

my dad will yell to everybody because he will be so confused he will not know what to do than maybe he will cry a little , my little brother may try to calm mom and dad but he will be shaking , my brother in the army will come after they prepared me to go to my final place , he will find me sleeping body so cold with blue lips , lying down on the ground covered in white sheet , i guess he will be angry for no reason he may give a strong biff to the door or the wall and than fall crying next to my dead body.

I think that all preparation, all paperwork and all formality will be doing by family and friends.


after my burial , everything will return to it place again , friends will reach there homes with sadness and maybe a feeling of emptiness , family will feel sympathy with mom and dad , few days later my brother will go back to his work in the army , mom will calm down but her deep feeling of sadness will never gone and especialy because i died us an unbeliever.

Two or three weeks later , every thing will return to normal they will be used to my non existence , life will return as it always was , and i will simply not exist .

An event like death do like tsunami ,like a giant wave which sink an island but after it calm down the island reappear again very calm very clean. but after all the more things change the more it stay the same , life is always life with or without us we lived it or we refused it 



I was trying to…

I was trying to show that it doesn’t matter what material you use, it’s what you do with it.”

Juan Francisco Casas’ Bic pen drawings are definitely better than the doodles I used to make in high school. Recreating sexy photos with the blue pens that we all use in our daily lives, the Spanish-born artist creates large scale murals that measure up to 10ft high. Casas can use up four 14p ballpoints on one picture, and his award winning pieces fetch over $6000.

“I guess it started off as a joke, to try and make something so realistic that people would think is a photo,” Casas said. “For me it’s not that different from painting. I was trying to show that it doesn’t matter what material you use, it’s what you do with it.”


I want to screa…

I want to scream, to cry, to say bad words, to shut me up, to remain calm, to travel, to forget, to be schizophrenic , to dance,to not to move, to eat, to vomit,to lock myself , to be everywhere and nowhere

I want to scream,  to cry,  to say bad words, to shut me up, to remain calm, to travel, to forget, to be schizophrenic , to dance,to not to  move, to eat, to vomit,to lock myself ,  to be everywhere and  nowhere

2013 recapitulation

i decided that i will not felicitate anybody by the new year , and i will not celebrate it , because it haven’t any sense , that we celebrate new beginning while we do nothing to make it new , well i don’t have the right to generalize there is people who change their lifes and get what they want . but me and people around me , we are just stable no move no changes , personally i had changes that i wanted in the year 2012 , then this year all my attempt to success has failed , i was in a relationship with someone and that was catastrophic , I had lost a lot of friends, i no longer do activity that i used to love doing (for many reason most of them not related to me) , i have changed my job and my new one is so stressful , and i wanted to die and i couldn’t make it ,so what can i wait from the new year ? nothing will change , i will not make any effort to do it because it have no sense , life have no sens 

It has no sense…

It has no sense that we celebrate new beginning while we do nothing to make it new ,

i decided that i will not felicitate anybody by the new year , and i will not celebrate it , because it haven’t any sense , that we celebrate new beginning while we do nothing to make it new ,

I’m not the woman i used to think that i’m (woman of love )

I used to think that i’m a woman of love ,
I was thinking that i have big capacity of loving in general and in loving a man particularly.

I used to think that , any man can find relief in my arms , I used to think that i have a big capacity for love , i used to think that with my big heart i can give life to stone , i always wanted to love and to be loved , i always wanted to have someone special in my life , to share with him all my feelings , love , thoughts and body , i always wanted some one who can forget the world in my arms , who can throw his head in my chest and feeling like the happiest man in the world , i always wanted someone who can throw myself in his arms when i feel tired and depressed and i feel like all the problems of the world has vanished , i always wanted someone who i can be his secret garden and he can be my isolated island .

I still always in starvation for love, tenderness ,safety and dreams .
Now i’m just starving for love and i don’t think that one day i will be full , i discovered that i’m not the woman i used to think that i’m , i discovered that men are not happy with me and will not be , i’m not the secret garden for anyone 

Woman Making Love to Robot

Once i decided to die ,

It may look very strange , why a person like me would decide to do such a thing , it may look very strange, that a young woman with almost no problem to mention , decide to die ,

Well for me life is not just the fact of existing , i always been a dreamer , a person with a lot of expectation , and i never loved the way that all people live , i always want something special , i had been always a different person from people around me .
I used to love things like science , traveling , art , reading , discovering , and a little bit a kind of changing the world . :p
I never want ,or even accepted in my head the fact to live a simple normal life “of going to school graduate find a job , than a husband than have some children who will make your life just impossible like a hell than die and that’s it , that was a life ”
That’s not a life , i will not talk about how i want to live ( i already wrote about it ) , but i will tell why i decided once to die and why i still ready to take the same decision again.

i will not decide to die because i’m a depressed person , or because i have a lot of problem , not even because i have a psychiatric problem , not at all i will decide to die because it became simply impossible to live the way i want .

I think that we should not exist if we can’t do it our way , well a lot of person will say it’s always possible to make the life that we dream of true because simply it’s up to us to fight for it.
I do agree , but in some cases ( like mine for example) any changes toward the goal need a lot of time and patience , and sometimes you feel just like you want it to change right now because you can’t support the situation any more .
In some other cases ( also like mine) your choices are selfish and come against the well of people you love and you do care about them so it became me over you , so you have to choice your dream and your life or the happiness of people you love .In my case i choose to pull myself softly from this life , so i don’t make them suffer ( yes i know that definitely my death will hurt them but after all they are believers , and they believe in destiny , if my death will look normal and not like a suicide, they will accept it in the end , and it will look much more painless regarding the pain that they will feel if i stay and don’t obey them – we live in a merciless society , where judgment can make life a real hell )

and another thing to not fight for what you want is the nonsense of life , if we just look a little closer and get a pause  one big question will appear  – and after all WHY WE DO ALL OF THIS ? WHAT IS THE POINT ? WHY WE DO EXIST ? 

why we exist

I think personally that people feel sad and reject death as a abnormal event but in the reality ( from my point of view) , death is not the abnormal thing , life it’s ,the nonexistence is the origin , life is the mutation , so when we die we return back to the original state .

i think that no one can explain that mutation why it happened , why we do exist no one have the answer on this , despite all the attempt to do , ( the religious point of view , the  anarchist point of view the scientist point of view … I think at least scientist are the most honorable people because no one of them pretend that we know why we do exist or even why we evoluate this way ) , and maybe the secret of life is simply that “the we don’t know ” maybe this is the reason that we keep evoluate and keep go further , so maybe life can is the intelligent one here and it can protect itself and assure it’s continuity by  keeping us always in research .