screaming form help

we all need help sometimes but we don’t know from where to start, or who to ask ,and sometimes we just hesitate to ask help because we don’t know if people will accept to help or not , i used not to ask help. and when i decided to be more open i asked it from wrong people, and not only i that, i just maintained to that question very badly.
In some other cases i just mimic my need to help but no one understand or even care.
Today i feel that i want to scream i need helllllllllllllllllllppppppppp but i just keep quit and i hold my breath until i fall into sleep


I need a doctor

I have a lot of locked words inside me, and i don’t feel good i’m certainly stronger than what i used to be . but i feel like i need someone who is able to listen to me i need a specialist.
actually i want to go to a psychiatric, but i can’t i don’t have money neither time, beside i don’t think that i’m sick, i just feel some pain some old pain caused by some old memory and some old problem, related to my childhood and teenage.
I want to talk about pain that i have felt when i used to hate my body, i want to talk about those whole nights that i was staying up and i was asking the lord to take my life , because i don’t deserve life, despite that i didn’t do anything wrong except. of wishing if i was desired , loved and accepted the way i’m.
I never was accepted the way i’m .
i want to talk about how used to be afraid from men, from me, from my sexual desire.
and today i want to talk about one more thing, i want to say about my disappointment in love even when i decided to open my heart. i was dumped , they throw me up.
today also i was accused by betrayal from my girlfriend. any way i’m not sick, i know that i used to hate me by away that i used to feel pain all over my body and , to drink all sort of medicine that come under my hands, but i know that i’m not sick and i’m not even depressed, i may be tired or i just need to talk to someone who can understand.
but is there anyone really that could help ??? loool I don’t even know i’m not sure about a damn thing.
I never was sure about me how could I be sure about something else.