Start changes

I feel like locked in my past

Despite all what i’m doing i didn’t change that much i feel sometimes like pretending or something . Years after years pass and my dreams just stay the some i didn’t realise some of them and in the same time i couldn’t draw some new one , is that good or bad ? can I consider myself as someone who hold on his dreams ? or in reality it’s not like that , and if i make a neutral look to the whole thing i will see that i’m just a loser who don’t move on forward staying in the same place wishing of the change ? I don’t know how to judge the situation , all what I know is changes need real steps forward , changes need courage and severe decisions , and I don’t have any of that .

I think I should start by inside of me get over some old feelings who make me stuck in this past . I’m really conscious that changes come from inside , and changes start by feelings , by determination and by real work , the big problem is i’m not doing any of that , and i know that i’m not the only one in the world who live in such situation , I think that a lot of young people feel just the same , and we all need a little push to start , or at least to figure out from where to start .

I just want to point in that problem , maybe if any one else is in the same situation , maybe we can start think together and find solution , and if anyone had already lived such a case and have some advices that would be great .



How to Start

I feel a little depressed , I want to change, I want to be really active and helpful ! I want to leave a trace behind me.
and right now I wants a lot of things and i’m not doing anything about it , this is so bad, miracle don’t just happen and don’t fall from the sky , we have to move on to make it happen .
I’m so conscious about that , but i don’t know where to start , all what i’m doing is working in a company , i don’t make good money and that doesn’t help me to do what I really want , I’m writting , painting , reading some scientific reaserch but this is not enough , I’m not doing real progress .
I just want some advice , to improve myself in different field , starting now strategy in what i’m doing to reach my goal .

I just don’t know how to start ???






Confusing and happiness

Many people when they look at me , or to what i’m writing they think that i’m lost and miserable , they think that i’m not happy .

That’s not true , to have ideas , to think to be different is never a problem , the problem is the way you look at it . and if i have problem you mad it like that because you don’t accept difference .

To have some questions it’s always ok , if i have questions that means i’m human ,i’m alive, i think and i exist , i believe that human are not born with a manual user , and there is not a book which contain all answers , i believe that every one have to find his by his own .
Yes i have questions , yes i’m confused some times , yes i feel afraid some other time but that never mean i’m not happy , that’s completely normal and human and that what lead to developement . Every brilliant idea started by a question by asking by being not convinced with the existing explanation , staying there say i should not talk about this subject or the other , because it’s forbidden will not take you anywhere , accept all the ideas on one book without even think about it , and shut your mouth up when you have question that guide you to slavery , and i guess who had born free.

Finely if you think that i’m not happy revise your thoughts , it’s just you the one who dislike changes

Letter for my mom


I know that my mother doesn’t read English and she never read in my blog. I don’t need her to read it and I will never say to her what I feel.She suffered so much when she was little, and I don’t want to make her suffer anymore. I love her so much and I don’t want to lose her, we used to have a great relationship, but since I start to have different point of view about few things like religion for example , things go more and more sad and ugly at home, every time the subject of religion is opened it end up with a lot of crying, screaming, and sadness, she feels sad and angry because I don’t think like her and I don’t think like it’s supposed to think.
I feel sad cause she doesn’t accept me the way I’m, I can understand that she acts like that basing on her love and fear cause in her believes I will go to hell with my thoughts, and what break my heart, she feel like a loser, she feels like she failed her mission cause I’m different.She takes it personally, she takes it like something about her, and she forgets that that’s about me, it’s my decision not her way of raising me, she never accepted my difference, when I was young she used to hate me and refuse me because I was different from her expectations.

Then things get better cause I tried my best to get closer to the image of the beloved daughter in her mind, and I earned her confidence and love.Now I’m a different one more time, and I’m about to be rejected one more time I don’t care this time, I will not change who I’m for what she want, I used to hate myself and feel not good enough because she’s never happy with my way to be me, now I’m here and I’m like that, I don’t want to cry anymore cause I’m different.

Mom, I appreciate your love and care, but let me be me.

How I start drawing

Well maybe i should say thank you to everyone has rejected me once , because it’s because of them that i choose to draw , because of them i became an artist .
When i was young , I had no place in the community , I had no place in my big familly , and i was tiny , mini ,and noiseless you can barely notice me , or at least it was my feeling especially in time of holiday when i have to meet the big familly .

First i was struggling to find a place to appear, to feel that i exist and to feel that i’m important, but it wasn’t the case , I wasn’t important so than after a while i understood that this is not a big deal , and i will never find a place with them .

So I decided to stay home to isolate myself from them and to build my own world , and my parent helped me on that , by that time I start drawing .

I start expressing my ideas my personality through drawing i have to say that i was awful in that and my paint was something inexplicable and very ugly. My friends and colleagues were always laughing on them . Here an exemple of my first  awful drawings


But i never stoped , there laugh wasn’t more painful than struggling to prove that I exist and even if i felt sad i didn’t pay so much attention to this i already felt rejected before ,  so there laugh were nothing to me .

fortunately in all those people I have a friend my darling “Hanen” she’s a great friend she’s the one who helped me to developing myself at drawing , we used to draw together to exchange painting between us .On  that time we were painting only women , clothes, fashion or cartoon . well now if i want to analyse it psychologically it seems normal to me cause by that time i had a problem with my body , ith who i’m , and with my whole physical appearance. And my drawing become looking like this

ancien 001 ancien 002

Few years later i had meet my first  drawing teacher and let’s say he was more friend than a teacher with him i find out that i can do more than drawing some clothes, with him i had understood that painting is rather a feeling and a technique , and i was so sure that i had the feeling , i have a powerful feeling what lack  is the technique , so i start learning some techniques and i get better and my drawing are not awful anymore . And my drawing become looking like this

ancien 003

Now I still try to learn more about techniques, and i’m discovering myself in new techniques more and more , ( below an example of my firsts drawings using pastel )  but my drawing become really much more deeper than ever i passed the step of finding myself and creat my own world ,than i passed the step of discovering my ability through new technique and now i’m in the step of deep thinking , passing messages through drawing , and of course I still  have  to learn more and more .

kalimenjéro 65593_429136357168707_1127417483_n

By now maybe i have to say thank you to all those who rejected me once , thank you, because you pushed me into an exceptional world , the world of pencil , paper and colors , thank you because of you and of your rejection  , i feel good now , i feel satisfaction with what  i’m doing , you helped me indirectly to find out who i’m and what i want to do , Now i know that drawing is  for me , drawing is my refuge , drawing make me feel safe like in the arm of a beloved .

I would say also thank you to those who helped me to express through. drawing and helped me to develope myself so necessarily i would say thank you to my parent and to my friends .

And to anyone , coincidentally reading this post , never accept rejection , be who you are and create your own universe

Race with the time

I have a lot of things to say or to write about . Not only that I have million and million of tons of reading to do , a lot of topic to search in , a lot of information to find out about there honesty , that make my head dizzy , and always in a race with the time .( although there is no time :p ) it’s the progress of event and our motion and th motion of the univers that we quantify them by the term time .

Well what ever ,sometimes I just wonder why people -and i’m one of them – are always in rush , maybe all of that is just related to the idea of death , human always afraid of death , are afraid to quit the world with unfinished stuff or unfinished purpose .


A thought of an afraid girl

I just feel fed up from all this fighting all around me , I feel tired from this ideological fight , no one have the truth no one have reality , no one have a perfect view of what happen and what happening . i’m so afraid , i don’t want that human keep kill each other for stupid reason , i’m just afraid because of those close point of view people get separated , lovers can not married , friends can not stay together , and even familly fall a part .
What i’m seeing here is parents want to wash up there children brain , wipe there reason and they just want them to be a little copy of themselves . and if one of there kid dare to think differently he become just the impious unthankful child .

I’m seeing close friends separating because boys became religious and there afraid to talk with girls ,
I’m seeing a lot of separation , tears , pain and killing in the name of religion.

I used to be one of the people who say , but religion is a good thing and there is a lot of good storys and moral there like encouraging people to not to lie and not to cheat and .. and.. Now i’m saying this is not enough because even if that part does exist and it exist that coincides ony with the personality of pacific people who want to see religion like that , who want to ignore the other face of it, we should not ignore that there is a violent part in religion a big violent part of religion , and i think that if god is the one who send those messenger it should not be such skyzophreny , i belive that there is a god ( and i don’t have a proof it’s just my personal point of view and the way of feeling which make me feel good) but i don’t believe that he tell such awful things .

Anyway i just feel afraid , about me about the future about peace about humanity , about freedom and peace in this world.

Humanity should grow up should find another alternative more peaceful , should thing about real spirituality or something make you really in peace with you and with the univers , should thing about  increasing conscience and morality much more than thinking about  something telling you do and not to do .
I hope to be able to live in peace