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Monthly Archives: May 2013

Start changes

I feel like locked in my past

Despite all what i’m doing i didn’t change that much i feel sometimes like pretending or something . Years after years pass and my dreams just stay the some i didn’t realise some of them and in the same time i couldn’t draw some new one , is that good or bad ? can I consider myself as someone who hold on his dreams ? or in reality it’s not like that , and if i make a neutral look to the whole thing i will see that i’m just a loser who don’t move on forward staying in the same place wishing of the change ? I don’t know how to judge the situation , all what I know is changes need real steps forward , changes need courage and severe decisions , and I don’t have any of that .

I think I should start by inside of me get over some old feelings who make me stuck in this past . I’m really conscious that changes come from inside , and changes start by feelings , by determination and by real work , the big problem is i’m not doing any of that , and i know that i’m not the only one in the world who live in such situation , I think that a lot of young people feel just the same , and we all need a little push to start , or at least to figure out from where to start .

I just want to point in that problem , maybe if any one else is in the same situation , maybe we can start think together and find solution , and if anyone had already lived such a case and have some advices that would be great .

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How to Start

I feel a little depressed , I want to change, I want to be really active and helpful ! I want to leave a trace behind me.
and right now I wants a lot of things and i’m not doing anything about it , this is so bad, miracle don’t just happen and don’t fall from the sky , we have to move on to make it happen .
I’m so conscious about that , but i don’t know where to start , all what i’m doing is working in a company , i don’t make good money and that doesn’t help me to do what I really want , I’m writting , painting , reading some scientific reaserch but this is not enough , I’m not doing real progress .
I just want some advice , to improve myself in different field , starting now strategy in what i’m doing to reach my goal .

I just don’t know how to start ???

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Confusing and happiness

Many people when they look at me , or to what i’m writing they think that i’m lost and miserable , they think that i’m not happy .

That’s not true , to have ideas , to think to be different is never a problem , the problem is the way you look at it . and if i have problem you mad it like that because you don’t accept difference .

To have some questions it’s always ok , if i have questions that means i’m human ,i’m alive, i think and i exist , i believe that human are not born with a manual user , and there is not a book which contain all answers , i believe that every one have to find his by his own .
Yes i have questions , yes i’m confused some times , yes i feel afraid some other time but that never mean i’m not happy , that’s completely normal and human and that what lead to developement . Every brilliant idea started by a question by asking by being not convinced with the existing explanation , staying there say i should not talk about this subject or the other , because it’s forbidden will not take you anywhere , accept all the ideas on one book without even think about it , and shut your mouth up when you have question that guide you to slavery , and i guess who had born free.

Finely if you think that i’m not happy revise your thoughts , it’s just you the one who dislike changes

The more things changes the more they stay the same

changes in our lives come and go , things never stay the same , but sometimes we just feel like the more things changes the more they stay the same , right now i don’t know if i will be agnostic forever or maybe i get back to my religion , i just don’t know , what the wind of change will bring me ,I’m just afraid to returne as i was the same scared isolated girl who never express herself.
I’m not strong enough and every time i’m under pressure i screw it , i’m afraid that after all these changes i still the same weak girl from inside , the girl who refuge to silence and isolation .
But how can i stand in there faces when i still have cquestions for myself and inside of me i didn’t take a clear decision.

Letter for my mom

 

I know that my mother don’t read english and she never read in my blog i don’t need her to read it and i will never say to her what i feel .
She suffered so much when she was little , and i don’t want to make her suffer anymore , i love her so much and i don’t want to loose her , we used to have a great relationship , but since i start to be agnostic things go more and more sad and ugly , everytime the subject of religion is opened it end up with a lot of crying , screaming , and sadness, she feel sad and angry because i don’t think like her and i don’t think like it’s supposed to think,
I feel sad cause she don’t accept me the way i’m , i can understand that she act like that basing on her love and fear cause in her believes i will go to hell with my thoughts, and what break my heart she feel like a loser , she feel like she failed her mission cause i’m different, and i’m not religious anymore .She take it personally, she take it like something about her ,and she forget that that’s about me , it’s my decision not her way of raising me , she never accepted my difference, when i was young she used to hate me and refuse me because i was different from her expectation, than things get better cause i tried my best to get closer to the image of the beloved daughter in her mind, and i earned her confidence and love.
Now i’m different one more time, and i’m about to be rejected one more time i don’t care this time , i will not change who i’m for what she want , i used to hate myself and feel not good enough because she’s never happy with my way to be me , now i’m here and i’m like that , i don’t want to cry any more cause i’m different.

mom I appreciate your love and care but let me be me .

How I start drawing

Well maybe i should say thank you to everyone has rejected me once , because it’s because of them that i choose to draw , because of them i became an artist .
When i was young , I had no place in the community , I had no place in my big familly , and i was tiny , mini ,and noiseless you can barely notice me , or at least it was my feeling especially in time of holiday when i have to meet the big familly .

First i was struggling to find a place to appear, to feel that i exist and to feel that i’m important, but it wasn’t the case , I wasn’t important so than after a while i understood that this is not a big deal , and i will never find a place with them .

So I decided to stay home to isolate myself from them and to build my own world , and my parent helped me on that , by that time I start drawing .

I start expressing my ideas my personality through drawing i have to say that i was awful in that and my paint was something inexplicable and very ugly. My friends and colleagues were always laughing on them . Here an exemple of my first  awful drawings

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But i never stoped , there laugh wasn’t more painful than struggling to prove that I exist and even if i felt sad i didn’t pay so much attention to this i already felt rejected before ,  so there laugh were nothing to me .

fortunately in all those people I have a friend my darling “Hanen” she’s a great friend she’s the one who helped me to developing myself at drawing , we used to draw together to exchange painting between us .On  that time we were painting only women , clothes, fashion or cartoon . well now if i want to analyse it psychologically it seems normal to me cause by that time i had a problem with my body , ith who i’m , and with my whole physical appearance. And my drawing become looking like this

ancien 001 ancien 002

Few years later i had meet my first  drawing teacher and let’s say he was more friend than a teacher with him i find out that i can do more than drawing some clothes, with him i had understood that painting is rather a feeling and a technique , and i was so sure that i had the feeling , i have a powerful feeling what lack  is the technique , so i start learning some techniques and i get better and my drawing are not awful anymore . And my drawing become looking like this

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Now I still try to learn more about techniques, and i’m discovering myself in new techniques more and more , ( below an example of my firsts drawings using pastel )  but my drawing become really much more deeper than ever i passed the step of finding myself and creat my own world ,than i passed the step of discovering my ability through new technique and now i’m in the step of deep thinking , passing messages through drawing , and of course I still  have  to learn more and more .

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By now maybe i have to say thank you to all those who rejected me once , thank you, because you pushed me into an exceptional world , the world of pencil , paper and colors , thank you because of you and of your rejection  , i feel good now , i feel satisfaction with what  i’m doing , you helped me indirectly to find out who i’m and what i want to do , Now i know that drawing is  for me , drawing is my refuge , drawing make me feel safe like in the arm of a beloved .

I would say also thank you to those who helped me to express through. drawing and helped me to develope myself so necessarily i would say thank you to my parent and to my friends .

And to anyone , coincidentally reading this post , never accept rejection , be who you are and create your own universe

Nameless feeling

We took a wise decision ,
he decide to go away
to find out himself again
, he as lost in this experience and also did i
Our story was fine nice and delicious , but things turned bad this way
despite of all what happened , i don’t hate him ,
and despite all pain , all tears ,
i still have memories , and i sometimes miss you
Will i get a special friend like you were ?
I’m just wondering cause i know special things come only once
and you were special