A story of a girl grew to become a bitch

When she was little girl, she was starving for love and attention
She was so little she needed to be accepted, but all what she has got was criticism
She adopted the idea that she is always wrong , and that become her believe.
She lost her self respect and confidence.
Her mother in particular never accepted her the wa she is , deep inside her she was wishing if her daughter was different , was more religious, maybe more obeient.
She felt that and she want to satisfy her mother and other people around her, and she became to pretend, she lost herself, she got tired, she could not recognise herself.
and she was growing day after day, she start discovering the opposit sex ” men”.
or let’s say by that age they were ” boys”, she seek to get some attention to compensate what she need, but she was rejected over and over every time.
And this time beside of loosing herself respect , her search for love and acceptation , she looked like a bitch.
and with this new ticket in her back, she lost the respect for her own body and she hated the fact that she is a woman.
She couldn’t understand that being a bitch sometimes have nothing to do with the body, it’s a stat of mind, and she was a bitch because she traded her personality, feeling and let’s say in some point her body ( when she let man look to her ) over attention , some fake attention.
And she grew up and she became an adult, she get some new experiences with some new friends, she felt love she get attention and she felt accepted, but that doesn’t resolved the problem, her biggest problem which is hating herself.
Also that doesn’t make her pure and chaste her trust in some people make her became naive and indirectly a bitch one more time, but this time for different reasons, this time she became a bitch by good intention.
Now she think that maybe she have “the bitch curses”
But she close her eyes and think “oh mom, if you only could love me the way I’m , I would never end up this way”


Amazing changes could happen

As a person i have know drastic changes in my live.
I’m  a girl from Tunisa , i’m not the same person before 2011 and after it.
Before 2011 I was a young shy girl isolated, living according to the typical oriental conservative family rules. I always had done what I’m suposed to do, and acted the way the family and society suppose that a good girl should act. I have graduated  and what it was supposed to be next is do is to find a job, than a husband, and give birth to some children and looking for them and live happily and than die.
Well this is what already I tried to do

So I found a job- it wasn’t a perfect one but it was a job anyway with a very low salary but that does not matter. what it was essential is not staying jobless.-

So i started to get stable at work than I launched the procedure of looking for a husband. ( HAHA-a funny task) I discovered that was greatly hard  .
Why is that, well because in my country it became more and more hard to find a serious guy who want a serious relationship.
If you want to start your life with a young man in your age -well that seems to be particulary hard -a man in his first twenty years is generaly not financially stable.So he could not build a family. An older guy in his thirty maybe, look always for a girl who was raised in a good family ( conservative one), better religious girl with no ex-relation, a girl well educated with a good job and especially especially beautiful one. and it would be better if she have no personality and she do what he says ( well maybe i’m exaggerating a little bit, but definetly that do exist the way I have describe it). And since all of this is not my case , i don’t have a very knowing family , i’m not beautiful neither rich or even with no personality so i can’t be with someone like described above.
well there are a lot of other types of man beside some rare great men that I can not clasify but generaly those are the most popular category around.
But finally after a few attemptions and a few unsuccessful experiences in the romantic field, I undrestood that going the ole way and doing what I’m told to do or what I’m supposed to do according society will not lead me anywhere . So I start to think differently, I decided to look for what I want to do , what used to bring me happines,

and i started to ask myself but what I realy want?
I never worked before for something that I want .
I never expressed myself the way I want to…

Than I start to remember, my old pations , my for love science, my love for art, books and good music , my wish of travel around the world, to discover it, to build peace and to work for the good of humanity.
why deprive myself from all of that.by following a path that is not mine, just to plesure other people?
Than I started to look for a scientific association to re-build my connection to science. I come back to drawing, readings books , and started looking for friends who can help me grow as a person and since then a new chapter opened on my life book.
What I want to say by this experience is: being ourselves is the most important thing that will bring us happiness.
we did not born with a users manual in the hand so don’t let other tell us what to do

Washing dishes, could be a proof of love

How a simple act actually banal, could be a proof of love
Yes, I think that little gesture like washing dishes, could be a proof of love.
Maybe this is a personal conclusion, but I think that it’s an important experience to share.
When I was young, my mother didn’t teach me to love her, and everything she asked me to do and to learn was in relation with the society and what other people will think about it.
One of those things is the housekeeping work, she always tells me to learn how doing it not for me, not even to help her, not because I‘m a living in that house and I have a partial responsibility to keep it clean,but because I will get married one day and she don’t want my husband and mother in law think that I‘m not good at housekeeping.
This idea upset me so much, because first of all I think that the way that I keep my house is a personal thing and it’s up to me to decide how to do it, it’s my life and not my mother in law business, and second because she talks about something that could never happen. Her argument does not make sense to me, this is why never put a real effort on the housekeeping and I hated helping in the house, and when I was obliged to do something I never did it perfectly I always run with the easiest solution.
Now years passed , i get older , much more mature, and my perspective of thing have changed.

Certainly it’s different than my mother point of view, now I contribute more in the house work, not because what will my future mother in law will think of me but i’m doing it by responsibility and love.
*Responsibility, because I‘m aware that if anybody is a part of a place should help to keep it clean and comfortable whatever is this place (a house, a work space, the neighborhood, the city, the country than the whole earth and universe)
*Love and sympathy for my mother because the work that I don’t do she will be obliged to do it by herself and she will get tired.

So when I became aware of those two facts,  my behavior changed automatically.
and this whole analysis of the situation jumps to my mind when I was washing dishes and that was a greasy plate difficult to get clean, remember that when I was young I would never even try to clean it, but now I was thinking that if I don’t do it my mother is the one who  will get tired of doing it, so I worked hard to make the dishes perfectly clean.

And I thought, that my mother and almost all other Arabic mother do it wrong, because they make their daughters do it for the wrong reason, if they showed us how to love them, to feel empathy toward them and how to show our love by small action like washing dishes or get something fixed at home, it would be better that teaching us to do things because of what other think about us.
So. yes, washing dishes could be a proof of love

I want to run

I want to run mum
I want to run for life for love for hope I want to run to be me
yes mum I want to run
I want to run in the real sense of the word, i want to move my body to hear my heart talk to me
I want to run to see my thoughts flow with my sweat.
I want to run to prove to myself that i don’t hate me anymore.
yes i confess i always hated running, and i did hate it for a reason i hate it because i hated myself, i hated my body, my femininity , i never thought that i deserve life i was always hating me living life , so i looked up myself in that body , i covered my body and also i deprive it from major mouvement such us running dancing and doing sports.

now i’m conscious of those negative ideas, and i that i have grew up locked in my own body.
this is why i want to run i want to run to be me to accept me to make it up with my body


I’m the kind of woman who looking for a  man, who could have an orgasm just by reading a science book, I can’t be with a man who don’t read don’t understand science, and can’t share with me my excitement for a good book, a nice song or a perfect documentary.


I’m a person who can’t live without science and art , things that i never bore when i do them , i think that i was born a scientist and an artist .
For a while i get lost, i stopped drawing and i have lost my connection to science but when i start doing astronomy i felt like i have find myself again , like someone who have lost his soul and he find it again after a really long long time , i have lived extraordinary moments when learning astronomy , and as consequence i have find my inspiration for art again.
I think that the best thing in the whole world is to find your passion , it’s amazing to find something that you are attached to , that give sense to your life , that make you living a real life , science – especially astronomy- and art are my soul and my passion , and i’m not ready to give up on them

I’m not the woman i used to think that i’m (woman of love )

I used to think that i’m a woman of love ,
I was thinking that i have big capacity of loving in general and in loving a man particularly.

I used to think that , any man can find relief in my arms , I used to think that i have a big capacity for love , i used to think that with my big heart i can give life to stone , i always wanted to love and to be loved , i always wanted to have someone special in my life , to share with him all my feelings , love , thoughts and body , i always wanted some one who can forget the world in my arms , who can throw his head in my chest and feeling like the happiest man in the world , i always wanted someone who can throw myself in his arms when i feel tired and depressed and i feel like all the problems of the world has vanished , i always wanted someone who i can be his secret garden and he can be my isolated island .

I still always in starvation for love, tenderness ,safety and dreams .
Now i’m just starving for love and i don’t think that one day i will be full , i discovered that i’m not the woman i used to think that i’m , i discovered that men are not happy with me and will not be , i’m not the secret garden for anyone 

Woman Making Love to Robot

what can I offer to him ?

Very often i start think about one subject than i find that the flow of thought pick  me away from where I started in the first place , so yesterday i was thinking about my life and how i want to live than i remembered my boyfreind , and i think that i love him so much that i would accept to share my life with him , than i remember that he don’t want that ,i don’t feel hurt from this reality , just in opposite i accept it perfectly , actually when i think about that i would say if i had the choice i will make the same  .

well let’s take a little closer sight , he is a strong independent man , he live by his own , he can do what ever he want , no one ask him for explanation , he’s free , he can get out when ever he want , he can travel when it’s possible , all his money is only his he can deal with it the way he want , no obligation related to other being , even if we look to the presence of feminine side in his life , he is handsome , and he can choose any girl to be his girl , so he don’t lack that .

so logically and literally he don’t have any reason to share his life with anyone , especially me , well to be honest and realistic, what can a girl like me can offer to him ? well the answer is perfectly obvious ,absolutly nothing , except headaches , extra responsability , lost of time ,rest and money .
Well by thinking about that i feel confortable to perfectly understand the reason despite that i feel sad because i can’t be with someone i love .

i share this idea not only for me but ,for a lot of girls living in the same situation as me so maybe if one of them read this could feel some relief


Love , desire , beauty & femininity


I want a night under the stars, I want to go out, to love to be loved , to be beautiful and to dance ………….. the problem is this still a simple desire that has no chance of being realized.
I feel a need to be beautiful and to feel it , i feel a need to see sight of desire in my man eyes , I usually don’t express such kind of feeling that i get from time to time , but after all i’m a woman and i want to feel my femininity , a lot of people understand badly when i express this , but right now i don’t care of what they say , they start giving advice such as try to fill your time and not to think about such subject , i only tell them you don’t even know about my fucking live , i have a job i’m big fan of science i read every day the scientific actuality , i paint and i do some othor things , i’m not justifying myself or trying to say hello i’m not just a silly girl looking for a boyfriend ( and hell , yes i do have one already ) , because i know that i’m not, and i know very well my goals and i’m moving to reach them , i’m talking about love , desire , femininity , things that we need to feel them some times , so far away from ordinary sex or ordinary desire , there is some kind of beauty femininity and desire so classy that only you can feel them you can’t describe them , such as in a perfect tango dance , things like that can change the rootine of every day , can recharge our soul and mind , and take us so far away from the cruality of this world