The moment when you lose self-confidence

That moment when you lose your confidence about something that you love.
For me those moment are really hard and I cannot know how to overcome them sometimes.
Those moments start when you discover how bad you are about something you used to think that you made an achievement on it.

Like my case in English, and here is the story.
Maybe some of you are sharing the same feeling with me.
When we started learning English in the Middle School, I wasn’t good at it, well, I had good marks, but I can’t speak it (because us you know it’s not enough to have a good mark on something, that does not prove that you really understand it, especially with our education system based on memorization).

The basic cause that made me bad at it, is that I could not accept the culture of this language. And this was not my own opinion, but I was influenced by my mothers’ stand against America and foreign culture in general.She believes so much in Arabic, and that the Arab language is the best basing on her religious conviction that Islam is the right religion and all people who goes to heaven will speak Arabic.

Anyway, I passed a long period in my life on this opinion and I did not try to discover those foreign cultures. Until one day I was with my cousins and they were talking about foreign TV programs and songs, I couldn’t understand what they are talking about, and I felt so ignorant. from there I decided to learn more and work more to improve my level in languages basically fresh and English, and I start a little Italian too.

Well, I have to be honest, I still have a lot of problems with french because I couldn’t like their culture so I couldn’t improve in the language.
But the story is different with English I started following American films, TV show, read articles and listen to music, I liked the American living style, and I even dreamed about moving on there (unfortunately I never get the chance to visit America).

I improved and I was proud because I did not win this skill from school, but I worked on it by myself.
But a little time ago, I discovered how much wrong, I‘m concerned my English level.
I discovered that I do enormous mistake, especially on grammar and spelling and that my vocabulary still weak.
Since that time and I feel bad also not confident, and I remark that I even start avoiding to answer some questions about the meaning of some world, and start to doubt everything, every English word I use or I write.

This feeling is really destructive, I know that the solution is in the hard work I have to work more to improve more, getting depressed about such a situation will not solve it, it will make it worst.

But it’s really sad, and overwhelming feeling, hard to overcome.
Anyway, I will not quit, and I will try harder no matter how bad I feel.

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The Tunisian situation and the terrorisim

Few years after the revolution, nothing on the Tunisien situation has improved.

After every thing we had lived, and after some terroristic attacks the governement tried to convince everybody that the terrorisme is the cause of our actual situation. But now after six successive government, who has reigned since 2011. I see the following:

Yes terrorism do exist all over the world , it’s dangerous it destroy countries, but in our case I don’t think that terrorisme is the only cause for our situation-Well the actual situation look like this:
No one is happy or let’s say the majority are , we become a depressed people(the suicide rate has remarkably increased, we have even more than 12 child suicides in 2015 because their bad financial situation) , the situation is getting hard day after day, especially the financial situation.-
All of this could not be only the direct effect of terrorisme, but there is some thing else that I call “the neurosis of a narcissistic person” -this is not a specific medical terme – but here how I do imagine the situation:

We used to recognise ourselves as the tolerant hospitable Tunisien people, we are recognised by our open mind to other culture and other people.
We are well educated, and we are a country with a good care system.

Well year after year after the 2011, this image is changing more and more. We are opening our eyes on a different reality , our own different reality .
We are reacting like a narcissus person who wake up one day and look in the mirror and instead of his beautiful face he saw a distorted face , in reality it’s his, but he can’t recognise it. So he become hysterical and he get neurosis.
We are acting the same way. we are discovering our other face the image that it’s so far from the beautiful face that we used to know.
Now we are discovering how deep is corruption implanted in every inch in the tunisian governement, and in the country in general, now we are discovering the loopholes in our care system , in our educational system and so on.

Now we are discovering that we have racism in our society and we are not that cool with other identity.
deep down we can not face this reality so we are rejecting it, we try to decorate it, to find a temporary and immediate solution for everything, we don’t have a clear vision for what we want and where we are going.
We don’t have a leader who have a project for this country, we still dabbling here and there .
Maybe this is logical, and it’s what it’s supposed to be after 50 years of suppression, maybe we are so in rush and we want everything to stabilize quickly, but we should wait until we became more mature.
I think that yes we have to wait, because in all this splashing, and mixture and fog, we have some young people who work for Tunisia, for better future, for the progression of the country.
There are a lot of youngs who are doing a lot of amazing Initiatives.


I can even say that i’m one of them, I’m one of those who work for the best of the country ,I have this hope to see my country a better place, to see Tunisia as I have aways recognise it, the beautiful , Tunisia , with the jasmin on the top of her ear who wearing white and who open her arms for everybody in love and peace.

Citizen journalism programme

I want to write about a subject that  I ‘m confused about and I don’t feel so comfortable to write about it, but anyway I will do it.

Two months ago or maybe more, I found  an announcement on the internet about an academy which has an online program about citizen journalism. I applied for it without even searching for the background of the academy because I wasn’t sure that they will take me.
But while I was doing the inscription, I came across questions like : “do you accept to read something writen by an Israeli person?” I have investigated a little bit and I found that the academy is a multinational, was build for the goal of supporting peace in the world and in the Middle east.
Personally building peace, is one of my dreams. I consider myself  a human and a cosmic citizen.I wish if humanity can reach peace.

So, i said why not ?! and i continued in the whole thing.
Now after a month , I got used to the program, I started loving what I’m learning and the new people that I have meet .
So far, i find two special Tunisian bloggers, with whom I start to exchange ideas and discussions. I really like that, the girl is a talented designer (you can visit her blog here https://soyanceleblog.wordpress.com/).
The man is a book addicted, so far he  advised me to read some book that I wasn’t disappointed to discover them.

But in the middle of all this good thing, the core of the story is not clear, well how is that, I start thinking about it after that one comment of one participant was banned.

I have to say that the comment was a little bit agressive towards the organisers of the program, but she was expressing her point of view. She thinks that Israeli are killers and are not supporting peace.
I did not react to that I did not defend her or defend the coordinator of the program, but my new friends ( the man whom I talked about) posted the comment and an explanation of the situation on his FB profile.
Many comments followed and a lot of people accused us ( the program’ s participants) by the normalisation with the enemy and we were accused of betrayal.

Well, I have responded to the post; I will resume my point of view in the following:

“I’m not a supporter of Israel or for any one who supports war, whether people or goverment.
But Israel do exist, we like it or not, it will not change the actual situation .I see also that the politics followed by “the Arabs ” which is ignoring Israel and acting like they don’t recognize it, does not leading anywhere. So, I think we should try the other side, instead of turning our backs to it, let’s face it , let’s face the actual situation let’s understand,  how they act, what they want, how they live. By doing so, we can find the weak points of any system, not by ignoring it. On the other hand, I personally believe that not all Israelis are bad people;  some of them were just raised there. That was not up to then to choose,  also some of them are against war and against what their government do, why we don’t build bridges with those people and together try to find a solution.

I think that more than the half of this conflict, is due to a inherited hate from both side, if we only could overcome this, and we could install the mentality of love and co-existance than we can build of that piece of land the peace land.
That piece of land that some people call Palestine , while others call it Israel, but for me it’s the land of prophets, it’s a land where the half of the history of knowing humanity walked there. That piece of land should not be a land of war;  it rather should be the Lighthouse of peace.

Well this is only my opining. I do agree that the reality is so much far from that.

After that discussion, my friends had decided to not continue the program.As for me,
I am still confused about it, as I said I liked it and I see that it’s an opportunity to try another way of thinking that can lead to peace.
But there is something , a little prick twinge in my heart.
I don’t know what to do:  should I stop? Sometimes, I think  after all it’s just an online program that will not change much and I will not tell anybody about it. Some other times, I say maybe I’m wrong and it’s only a ideological program.
I tried to investigate a little more, but all I have got was even more confusing. The palestinians themselves are not on the same wavelength. They have different opinions; they act differently. For example? the leader Yesser Arafet ( peace on his soul), who was always considered as a representative of the palestinian cause accepted to negotiate but Hamas, on the other hand prefer not to do so.

In the middle of this dilemma , I decided to do what I see as right according to the actual situation, I decided to continue the program for now, hoping that my decision will be right. I hope I will  make my opinion on peace reach out to all those who are interested in peace- building. Out of belief that every change needs action.

Amazing changes could happen

As a person i have know drastic changes in my live.
I’m  a girl from Tunisa , i’m not the same person before 2011 and after it.
Before 2011 I was a young shy girl isolated, living according to the typical oriental conservative family rules. I always had done what I’m suposed to do, and acted the way the family and society suppose that a good girl should act. I have graduated  and what it was supposed to be next is do is to find a job, than a husband, and give birth to some children and looking for them and live happily and than die.
Well this is what already I tried to do

So I found a job- it wasn’t a perfect one but it was a job anyway with a very low salary but that does not matter. what it was essential is not staying jobless.-

So i started to get stable at work than I launched the procedure of looking for a husband. ( HAHA-a funny task) I discovered that was greatly hard  .
Why is that, well because in my country it became more and more hard to find a serious guy who want a serious relationship.
If you want to start your life with a young man in your age -well that seems to be particulary hard -a man in his first twenty years is generaly not financially stable.So he could not build a family. An older guy in his thirty maybe, look always for a girl who was raised in a good family ( conservative one), better religious girl with no ex-relation, a girl well educated with a good job and especially especially beautiful one. and it would be better if she have no personality and she do what he says ( well maybe i’m exaggerating a little bit, but definetly that do exist the way I have describe it). And since all of this is not my case , i don’t have a very knowing family , i’m not beautiful neither rich or even with no personality so i can’t be with someone like described above.
well there are a lot of other types of man beside some rare great men that I can not clasify but generaly those are the most popular category around.
But finally after a few attemptions and a few unsuccessful experiences in the romantic field, I undrestood that going the ole way and doing what I’m told to do or what I’m supposed to do according society will not lead me anywhere . So I start to think differently, I decided to look for what I want to do , what used to bring me happines,

and i started to ask myself but what I realy want?
I never worked before for something that I want .
I never expressed myself the way I want to…

Than I start to remember, my old pations , my for love science, my love for art, books and good music , my wish of travel around the world, to discover it, to build peace and to work for the good of humanity.
why deprive myself from all of that.by following a path that is not mine, just to plesure other people?
Than I started to look for a scientific association to re-build my connection to science. I come back to drawing, readings books , and started looking for friends who can help me grow as a person and since then a new chapter opened on my life book.
What I want to say by this experience is: being ourselves is the most important thing that will bring us happiness.
we did not born with a users manual in the hand so don’t let other tell us what to do

Traveling

One of my favorite hobby is travelling despite that in reality Idon’t practice it. Except of one visit Ihad to algeria I never cross over the borderline of Tunisia, let’s say that even tunisia in itself I didn’t visit it all.
One of The reason of my deprive of this hoppy beside money and free time is the visa, the famous visa and the problem of almost half of the youth in my country and other country like it ( those who are educated dreams about an opportunity to get a visa and get out of the country, and the others who can’t dream about getting one by legal way are riding the ” death boat”in attempting to cross the borders clandestinely.

I’m one of those educated but how can’t get a visa,why well because i’m one of thousand of people living like shit in my country.
The principle is clear prove that your condition are good and that when we will give you a visa to visit a country you will not try to stay there, than we will talk .
They demand your bank account, a prove and attestation that you work , an attestation about your salary and a permission of living from work .
Otherwise those how don’t work have to present a prove that they are student and all the mentioned paper above of one parent.
Those who can’t get a permission from work because there bosses abuse them all the time and they have to work the 12 moths of the years, those how have a pathetic salary -like mine- those who don’t have a social security because they work without being declared and so one can’t get a visa and unfortunatly it’s the case of almost 80% of the people.
Everytime i think about that i feel miserable, a on classified citizen without the very fundamental human right wich is the Freedom of movement, also the freedom of liberty .

I know that all of this is because of people who travel and make trable , because of terrorisme, but also it’s because of the inequality between countries and it’s not right if a rich country take the responsability of the citizen of a poor country.
But I think that the whole visa thing is unfair, it’s against humanity.
If only we think as a global citizen, if we make it free to travel,to share, to feel like a part of mother earth. than I believe that a lot of problem will be solved , especialy those related to sources.

I believe that racism will decrease, most of war will vanish, because we will live together we will be mixed we will net have those border to limit us or separate us.
Only if !!!!

When everything you get is a few virtual word

Yesterday was my birthday N° 28.
and as usual all ihave got is a big desseptionand a few wishes on FB.
Usually my birthday is not a special occasion for me, and i never get the attention i wish for.
This years’ desseption was a little special, why ?
well because i was surrounded by a big number of persons, they did not noticed that it was my birthday (usually in my birthday i be at home with only my familly so i can’t blame persons if everything they do is write a wish on my FB wall but this is year i was participating in a scientific camp on that camp i was surrounded by a lot of people and with 5 of my best friends, so i expected that it could be different than getting wishes on FB wall ).

I was conscient that they dont memorise the date of my birthday and some of them they don’t even know it. but the date was mentionned on FB and i know that FB send notification about birthday dates. so i expected that they get the notification from the FB and do a little effort and a gest for me like gathering together and sing for me or get a little letter from them .
But that didn’t happened and even when i told them just two of my friends told me happy birthday.

I said that ok , this is not a big deal and maybe when i return home i will find a surprise .
but at home i got the same reaction, not a symbol of joy, happiness or a sign for a special occasion.
I got the same thing just some words just ” a HAPPY BIRTHDAY” .
I felt dessiption, and this is the first time in my life that i don’t appreciate words, also it’s the first time in my life that i feel that feeling on FB are just hypocresy, so virtual and so not real.
When you see the hundred of wished on my wall you say that waw how poppular she is and how loved she is , but in the real life you got nothing.Nothing except of few words

The Persians VS Greeks

History is written by the victor , because the greek won the war, everything we know now is related to them  and because they were able to keep and transmit their way of living and their culture ,  what if the persian won how probably the history would be wrote ??

Who I’m , who we are

And sometimes I wonder who I am
I do not see many people  in my age asking this question?
Could that be  because I lagged behind them and was delayed in knowing the answer and they had already discovered it, or  may be they are tired of the search and did not find an answer so they stop looking and decide to forget about it , or it may be that they do not ask at all…And why they would ask in the first place and why they would want to know ? And why I want to know?
isn’t this is the question that exhausted humanity since it existed , so why would I want to know and why i feel upset that the quarter of my life pass in a research for this question and what do represent my age comparing to the age of humanity ?
Who i’m , to know how we are or maybe the opposite is the right way of asking the question who we are so i could know who i’m ?
What do I want from life, or is it why she would want from me ?
I think this is a  funny question , who i’m and who we are so life would want something from us ? maybe life just make fun of us and of our self concentric point of view to the world.
I once heard an astronomical point of view says that we are the universe and that the universe is in us
Other say that we are conscious way  to the univers to understand himself. I think that this is a funny theory too why would  the universe needs to understand himself ?and if this is true , couldn’t he find an other way more sophisticated, intelligent, faster than us ?
I think that if really we are made on the image of the universe we would be made  confused and accused to be in order
# Heresies

Washing dishes, could be a proof of love

How a simple act actually banal, could be a proof of love
Yes, I think that little gesture like washing dishes, could be a proof of love.
Maybe this is a personal conclusion, but I think that it’s an important experience to share.
When I was young, my mother didn’t teach me to love her, and everything she asked me to do and to learn was in relation with the society and what other people will think about it.
One of those things is the housekeeping work, she always tells me to learn how doing it not for me, not even to help her, not because I‘m a living in that house and I have a partial responsibility to keep it clean,but because I will get married one day and she don’t want my husband and mother in law think that I‘m not good at housekeeping.
This idea upset me so much, because first of all I think that the way that I keep my house is a personal thing and it’s up to me to decide how to do it, it’s my life and not my mother in law business, and second because she talks about something that could never happen. Her argument does not make sense to me, this is why never put a real effort on the housekeeping and I hated helping in the house, and when I was obliged to do something I never did it perfectly I always run with the easiest solution.
Now years passed , i get older , much more mature, and my perspective of thing have changed.

Certainly it’s different than my mother point of view, now I contribute more in the house work, not because what will my future mother in law will think of me but i’m doing it by responsibility and love.
*Responsibility, because I‘m aware that if anybody is a part of a place should help to keep it clean and comfortable whatever is this place (a house, a work space, the neighborhood, the city, the country than the whole earth and universe)
*Love and sympathy for my mother because the work that I don’t do she will be obliged to do it by herself and she will get tired.

So when I became aware of those two facts,  my behavior changed automatically.
and this whole analysis of the situation jumps to my mind when I was washing dishes and that was a greasy plate difficult to get clean, remember that when I was young I would never even try to clean it, but now I was thinking that if I don’t do it my mother is the one who  will get tired of doing it, so I worked hard to make the dishes perfectly clean.

And I thought, that my mother and almost all other Arabic mother do it wrong, because they make their daughters do it for the wrong reason, if they showed us how to love them, to feel empathy toward them and how to show our love by small action like washing dishes or get something fixed at home, it would be better that teaching us to do things because of what other think about us.
So. yes, washing dishes could be a proof of love