I’m not depressed

I’m not depressed but i don’t feel useful too, that make me feel but and painful , and when i say painful i do mean it literally , because i’m whimpering .
I’m not depressed but i think of ending up my life.
I will give myself a chance until the end of the year i will pass through some exams but if i fail on them i will prefer to die , because i’m tired to be average , i’m tired of trying so hard but in the end i find that i’m not good enough.
since a was a kid i used to try hard to be someone religiously , technically , physically good but all my trials go by wind , and i’m not good enough .
I feel bad , i feel guilty ,and useless.
I can’t see a way to realise my dreams , so i feel empty from inside .
I don’t want to ask for help anymore , because no one could.
I decide that from now on , i will be closed to myself , i will not share what i feel or what i think about to people around me , and if i’m publishing this on the net that because i’m certain that no one know me is reading on this blog and this is just perfect .
I just feel empty
and i deserve to die

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