Once i decided to die ,

It may look very strange , why a person like me would decide to do such a thing , it may look very strange, that a young woman with almost no problem to mention , decide to die ,

Well for me life is not just the fact of existing , i always been a dreamer , a person with a lot of expectation , and i never loved the way that all people live , i always want something special , i had been always a different person from people around me .
I used to love things like science , traveling , art , reading , discovering , and a little bit a kind of changing the world . :p
I never want ,or even accepted in my head the fact to live a simple normal life “of going to school graduate find a job , than a husband than have some children who will make your life just impossible like a hell than die and that’s it , that was a life ”
That’s not a life , i will not talk about how i want to live ( i already wrote about it ) , but i will tell why i decided once to die and why i still ready to take the same decision again.

i will not decide to die because i’m a depressed person , or because i have a lot of problem , not even because i have a psychiatric problem , not at all i will decide to die because it became simply impossible to live the way i want .

I think that we should not exist if we can’t do it our way , well a lot of person will say it’s always possible to make the life that we dream of true because simply it’s up to us to fight for it.
I do agree , but in some cases ( like mine for example) any changes toward the goal need a lot of time and patience , and sometimes you feel just like you want it to change right now because you can’t support the situation any more .
In some other cases ( also like mine) your choices are selfish and come against the well of people you love and you do care about them so it became me over you , so you have to choice your dream and your life or the happiness of people you love .In my case i choose to pull myself softly from this life , so i don’t make them suffer ( yes i know that definitely my death will hurt them but after all they are believers , and they believe in destiny , if my death will look normal and not like a suicide, they will accept it in the end , and it will look much more painless regarding the pain that they will feel if i stay and don’t obey them – we live in a merciless society , where judgment can make life a real hell )

and another thing to not fight for what you want is the nonsense of life , if we just look a little closer and get a pause  one big question will appear  – and after all WHY WE DO ALL OF THIS ? WHAT IS THE POINT ? WHY WE DO EXIST ? 

why we exist

I think personally that people feel sad and reject death as a abnormal event but in the reality ( from my point of view) , death is not the abnormal thing , life it’s ,the nonexistence is the origin , life is the mutation , so when we die we return back to the original state .

i think that no one can explain that mutation why it happened , why we do exist no one have the answer on this , despite all the attempt to do , ( the religious point of view , the  anarchist point of view the scientist point of view … I think at least scientist are the most honorable people because no one of them pretend that we know why we do exist or even why we evoluate this way ) , and maybe the secret of life is simply that “the we don’t know ” maybe this is the reason that we keep evoluate and keep go further , so maybe life can is the intelligent one here and it can protect itself and assure it’s continuity by  keeping us always in research .

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